


I Gotta Get Better

by Stillreadingfanfictbh



Series: Larry One Shots [9]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, One Shot, Self-Harm, brief unrequited love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:07:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24831325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stillreadingfanfictbh/pseuds/Stillreadingfanfictbh
Summary: Louis relapses and harry finds out
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Series: Larry One Shots [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2162739
Kudos: 20





	I Gotta Get Better

**Author's Note:**

> TW for self-harm. Be safe my friends.

Years ago he had gone to a psych ward after his mom had found out that he had been non-discretely cutting himself on his wrist. He was only a sophomore in high school, and he didn't have many friends. Between his four sisters, he didn't get much attention at home either. So he had originally started cutting himself for attention, people at school were suddenly concerned about him, and Louis was honestly thriving.

When his mom found out she blew the situation way out of proportions. Louis wasn't even cutting with blades or anything. Louis mostly tried to hurt himself with wall pins or anything sharp really. His wounds barely bled, they were just red, horizontal lines on his wrist and nothing more. When his mom took Louis to the hospital they asked him a series of questions like "do you see or hear things that aren't there?" (He doesn't) and "have you had any suicidal thoughts?"

Louis wasn't sure how to answer that question, the hesitation is probably what sent him to the teen psych ward. The thing is if he had gone home from the hospital that night he couldn't say that he wouldn't have killed himself. Louis spent three days in the children's hospital waiting for a spot in the psych ward to open up. For those three days, he only spoke to the psychiatrist who came in every morning to ask that same 7 questions.

He spent two weeks in the psych ward and he has stopped cutting for nine years.

Nine years.

That's a long time. He never thought that he would start again. For those nine years, Louis has never been happier, he's got four of the best friends, and bandmates, he could ask for a perfect, healthy family, and the best fans in the world. But for some reason, Louis started cutting again.

Something must have changed because this time he isn't doing it for attention. He isn't cutting on his wrist where everyone could see. At first, he cut on his thighs, but he was always scared of his boxers ridding up when he wasn't wearing pants. That's also something that he didn't have last time, the paranoia that at any moment one of his bandmates could see what he's doing to himself. So he started cutting on his hips, where there is always underwear to cover it.

Another thing that's different is that he has actually started using a blade. After an anxiety attack and a major depressive episode in the bathroom, Louis had angrily broken his razor; getting the tiny blades out of the razor was no easy task but he had done it and had started cutting without actually processing what he was doing. They weren't deep and he only did it five times on his left thigh before he stopped. He cleaned himself up, hid the razors, and went to bed. That was that.

He didn't think about how the cutting made him feel until the next day. He had to admit that doing it did make him feel better, the actual cuts didn't hurt too bad (it only burned a bit when he was in the shower). Something about it was depressingly therapeutic; it's like, just for a second, everything stopped and the only thing that mattered was what he was doing to himself.

So Louis just kept doing it, those nine years were flushed down the drain. And it's not like Louis looked any different or acted any different, he was still his outgoing happy self, he just cut himself up a bit.

Louis never told his bandmates about his self-harming or going to the psych ward nine years before. Sure Louis has some scars on his wrist, but you couldn't see them unless you knew what you were looking for.

The day Harry found out about it he was shocked. It was about three weeks after Louis had begun cutting himself again, and all the boys (minus Zayn) were on the tour bus driving to some city in Illinois. Louis was trying to quickly change his clothes for bed when Harry walks to the back.

Now the boys are around each other all the time, so it isn't like they haven't seen each other naked at least a couple of times. At first, Harry doesn't really pay any attention to Louis.

But Louis is trying to anxiously get his boxers up, and they keep slipping from his shaking hands, and Harry just sees. He sees a whole bunch of red lines all across his hips almost going into his thighs and he just knows.

Something that Harry and the other boys have encountered a lot of self-harming fans. They would go up to the band and talk about how they saved their life and have the boys sign their arm full of scars or something. Harry isn't clueless.

But Harry doesn't really know what to say to Louis, who finally pulls his boxers up. So he doesn't say anything, Harry lets Louis walk back to the front of the bus with the other boys and watches as he laughs with them like nothing just happened, like Harry doesn't know.

But shit does Louis know. His mind is going crazy, but maybe if he doesn't acknowledge it then Harry won't acknowledge it either.

And Harry doesn't for a while, but he sees the marks again. Harry needed his phone charger back from Louis before a show a few nights later, so without knocking, Harry walks into Louis dressing room. Louis was just standing in front of the mirror with the band of his boxers pulled down a little to look at his cuts. It almost looked like Louis was admiring them.

Harry knew right then that he couldn't just not say anything. What if one time Louis takes it too far? It would have been Harry's fault for knowing that Louis does this and not saying anything.

"What are you doing?" Harry asks.

Louis jumps away from the mirror and fixes his boxers. "Nothing."

Louis heart is beating and he can't even think straight, what is he supposed to tell Harry? Surly Harry saw them.

Harry isn't sure what to do either. He is supposed to be Louis best friend, they tell each other everything, or at least Harry tells Louis everything. Louis must not tell Harry much.

"Are you okay?" Harry asks, knowing how stupid of a question it is.

Louis rolls his eyes and slips on a pair of black skinny jeans and a t-shirt before saying, "yes, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

Maybe acting dumb will fix this.

It doesn't.

"Well you must not be fine," Harry says, his throat is closing up a little and his eyes dampen, he really shouldn't cry. He walks closer to Louis and grips his hips, "if you were fine you wouldn't be doing that."

Louis frowns and pushes Harry's hand away. He walks out of the room saying, "You have no idea what you're talking about."

Harry frowns, what is he supposed to do? Louis is obviously going through something, but Harry isn't sure how to confront Louis about it. He doesn't know what he should say to Louis. And Harry is kinda hurt that Louis never came to Harry to talk.

Harry isn't sure how long he sits in Louis' dressing room until someone comes in to get him. They go on stage soon.

Louis doesn't look at Harry all night and he takes a different car back to the hotel. The other boys could see how upset Harry was, and had assumed that he and Louis had gotten into an argument.

But they never get into arguments. They never ignore each other. They don't keep secrets. They don't run from each other. They don't do this. They're best friends.

When Harry and his other bandmates, excluding Louis, get back to the hotel Harry goes straight to his room. Harry festers in his room for about an hour trying to figure out why Louis would hurt himself like that. Harry asks himself the same questions over and over until he gets a migraine and takes some pain medicine and decides that he is going to go to Louis's room. The questions are eating him alive and he just wants answers, he wants his friend to be happy.

Louis is sitting on his bed in a pair of boxers when he hears a knock on his door. Honestly, Louis doesn't want to answer the door. He's depressed, and he doesn't feel like even getting out of bed let alone talking to anyone. Despite that, he gets out of bed and opens the door.

He wants to shut it again when he sees that it's Harry, but he sees how distressed Harry looks. He has bags under his red eyes and his hair looks messier than usual.

Louis sighs, he knew he would have to talk to Harry at some point, so he pulls the door open the rest of the way and lets Harry in. Louis lets Harry close the door and walks back to his own bed and lays down. He feels Harry lies down next to them and they don't say anything for a few minutes.

Harry sighs, "are you okay, Lou?"

Louis turns to where he is facing Harry but is still laying on his side, "I am fine, Harry. Seriously."

"Then why do you do it?" Harry asks, his fingers find themselves on Louis hips again, and Louis tenses.

Louis eyes tear up a little, he shrugs.

Harry grabs Louis hand, "please talk to me, Lou. The last few hours have been shit, and I've been going crazy thinking about how all of this was happening right under my nose."

"I don't know, Harry." Louis says, "I used to self-harm a lot when I was younger, like when I was fifteen. I've been stressed lately, and I thought maybe it would help."

Harry pulls Louis close to him into a hug, Harry's head is on top of Louis. Harry feels like he has more and more questions as Louis speaks.

"You did this when you were fifteen?" Harry asks, "you never told me."

"I didn't want to make a big deal of it. I was attention-seeking back then. Mom had all her attention on my sisters, and I didn't have anyone at school, so I thought that maybe if I hurt myself someone would notice and pity me or something. I ended up in a psych ward and I took anti-depressants for years." Louis says, "the X-Factor and all of this was a new start, I didn't want anyone to know."

Harry doesn't say anything for a minute or so. He can't believe that Louis never told him. Harry is trying to understand where Louis is coming from, and he does understand, to an extent. He thought that the X-Factor was a fresh start too, but even then he didn't keep anything about his life from Louis.

"Is it helping?" Harry asks Louis, "the self-harming, I mean. You said that you thought it would help, does it?"

Louis hesitates before saying, "I don't know, Haz. It's a distraction, and it gets my mind off things for a bit. But, I don't know, I'm paranoid now."

"What do you mean?" Harry asks.

"I'm afraid that someone's going to find out all the time. I'm afraid that I'll get sent back to a psych ward again and that I'll have to take anti-depressants. I've pulled myself away from you and the boys because I'm so scared that you will find out and freak out." Louis says. Considering he didn't feel like talking about everything, he is doing a lot of talking. And he does realize that, but talking to Harry is comforting. Louis has always loved nights with Harry when they lay and talk. Harry is never judgmental.

"Would that be so bad? Not the psych ward or the freaking out part, but like the anti-depressants? Getting some help." Harry says.

Louis eyebrows squint together and his eyes start tearing up again, "you don't understand Harry, those pills made me feel fake. Like I wasn't myself, I knew that I wasn't happy because of me but because of some chemicals."

"So you don't take pills, but what about therapy?"

"I don't know, Haz," Louis says.

They are quiet again, until Harry says, "they aren't bad, are they? Your cuts?"

"No, Haz, they aren't." Louis says, "I swear, they aren't deep they barely hurt."

Harry seems to be troubled by this, "can I see them?"

Louis tenses, and pulls away from Harry.

"I just want to make sure they aren't bad, that you won't get an infection or need stitches." Harry says, "please."

Louis nods a little and he sits up a little, he pulls his boxers down to where the wounds are visible but not his dick.

Harry's eyes tear up and his breath catches in his throat. Louis was right, the cuts aren't really that bad, but shit, he can't believe that Louis is doing this to himself.

"Louis," Harry says with a tight voice. Tears roll down his cheeks.

Louis sighs and fixes his boxers and pulls Harry into a hug. In a voice just as tight as Harry's, Louis says, "I'm sorry, Haz."

Harry shakes his head, "why are you sorry?"

"I don't know. I mean, I know that I shouldn't be doing this, so maybe that's what I'm sorry about." Louis says, "I'm sorry, that I hurt you."

"Will you stop cutting?" Harry asks.

"I will, Harry, I swear," Louis says solemnly, and he means it. He knows he can stop. He's hurting his friend by doing this and if he continues to cut he knows it will get worse and worse.

Harry nods and wipes the wetness from his eyes. He pulls Louis back into a hug, "can I sleep here tonight?"

Louis nods pull the covers over them. Louis evens out his breaths to match Harry's, and they fall asleep holding each other.

When Louis wakes up the next morning he realizes that last night was intimate and not something that just friends do. He pushes it to the back of his mind. The band has a busy day today, so Harry doesn't even say good morning before running back to his room to get ready.

Louis gets ready; he's already dreading today. The boys have to pack up and get on the bus by 8 A.M. then they drive for seven hours to get to their next location, where they have a few interviews and a show the next night. He is sick of just living out of a suitcase.

Why the fuck do they have a tour bus anyways? Wouldn't fly just be better?

Harry is extra clingy that day, and the day after that, and the day after that. They have traveled through two cities and Louis is feeling just a little bit suffocated. Louis just wants a little bit of privacy without Harry. Harry has followed him everywhere, slept in the hotel rooms with him, he gets worried when Louis is in the bathroom for too long (honestly can't a guy just be on his phone while he shits? Come on!). Louis is afraid to talk to Harry about some privacy because he doesn't want to hurt Harry's feelings. Also, Louis is kind of afraid that Harry will take it the wrong way and think that Louis will use the privacy to cut.

Louis hasn't done anything since that conversation with Harry about a week ago. Louis would like to say that he hasn't thought about cutting but he has, it's much harder than he thought it would be. Louis still has the cuts on his thighs that he picks at until they bleed again like he doesn't want them to heal.

Louis hands are down his pants and he is picking at his wounds over and over again. It might look funny if anyone were to walk into the room and see him like this but he really doesn't care. He likes how relieved he feels once they start bleeding again.

Harry was in the shower, and Harry usually takes long ones so Louis thought he had a minute alone.

He was wrong.

Harry comes out of their shared hotel bathroom with a white towel wrapped around him. Louis quickly takes his hand out of his pants (wow this sound like Louis is a twelve yr old getting caught masturbating lmao Nah he's just depressed) but the quick movement causes Harry to look at Louis.

"You okay, Lou?" Harry asks. He has that look on his face where his eye gets sadder, and his eyebrows squint together. He looks concerned, but he also looks five years older.

Louis gets sad because of that look. He causes that look. Louis sighs and nods, "I'm fine, Haz."

Harry looks at Louis for a bit longer, probably deciding if he should push it, but Harry just nods and continues to get dressed.

Louis just sighs and turns in his bed to face the wall. He curls himself into a ball, he wants to cry but he doesn't really have a reason to cry, and he doesn't want to concern Harry.

Louis hears Harry sigh across the room, and he walks over to Louis bed and sits down on it. "Lou, can you turn around? Talk to me."

Louis doesn't turn around and his eyes start to water. This is exactly what he didn't want and he is kind of pissed at himself for making how upset he is so obvious.

"Louis." Harry says, he pulls at Louis arm and tries to turn him around.

Louis turns around but his hands are hiding his face. God, Louis hasn't felt so pathetic in a long time. He feels like a child.

"Lou, come on, what's wrong?" Harry asks.

"Nothing's wrong." Louis says with a sniffle, "seriously, I don't know why I'm crying. I'm so fucking pathetic."

"You aren't, Lou," Harry says, brushing so hair out of Louis face.

Louis just nods and lets Harry baby him for a few minutes. Harry plays with Louis hair and rubs the tears off his cheeks. He pulls Louis into a hug and Louis just leans into it.

"I just thought it would be easy." Louis says, "like I thought I would stop cutting, and then everything would go back to how it was before."

Harry just nods and lets Louis keep talking.

"It's not easy." Louis voice breaks and he starts to cry again. He's so frustrated, he shouldn't be like this. "I think about cutting all the time. And every time I think about it I feel shittier and shittier. I want to be better, Harry, but I can't."

Harry leans his head against Louis and whispers, "you can, Lou. You're doing better already, you haven't cut in a week. I'm already so proud of you."

Louis shakes his head a pulls away from Harry, "I'm not better. I-you shouldn't be proud of me."

Harry sighs, "I am proud. Lou, I know you can overcome this."

"I'm not better, Haz." Louis voice is tight and he keeps pulling away from Harry. Now he's leaning against the headboard with his knees pressed against his chest and his head leaning on his knees.

"You are," Harry says.

"Harry, I'm not."

Now Harry looks confused. "Did you hurt yourself again?"

Louis shakes his head. He knows he has to tell Harry, but he doesn't want to.

"Then how are you not better?" Harry asks, he wants to pull Louis close to him again but doesn't know if Louis wants it.

Louis pushes further against the wall and try's to make himself smaller when he mutters, "I, like, pick at them, Haz."

Harry doesn't say anything, but he's looking at Louis like he is waiting for him to explain.

"When they start to scab over I pick at them until they start bleeding again." Louis says, "God I sound so disgusting. I'm disgusting. I'm sorry, Harry, it's just so hard and I'm trying to stop but I don't want to—no I want to stop but, like, I don't have anything that will make me feel better if I stop. And I'm not even sure that I deserve to stop— like I deserve to feel like shit and have it show on my body. I don't know. I'm sorry."

Louis is crying again, he sniffles and closes his eyes. He doesn't want to see Harry's look of disappointment or his own reflection in the mirror across from the bed. He doesn't want to see anything. He presses his hands against his eyeballs. He repeats, "I'm sorry."

"Lou, it's fine." Harry says, "seriously. I never expected you to get better right away."

Louis rubs at his face and groans, he wishes he could get better right away. He should be able to get better right away, they were only cat scratches and he only did it a few times he should be able to stop.

"Let's get under the covers, babe," Harry says. The "babe" just slipped out of Harry's mouth, but once he said it just felt right.

Louis doesn't say anything about the pet name, but he can't deny that he likes it. Louis crawls under his covers and scoots closer to the wall. Harry scoots up against him and spoons him. They fall asleep in each other's arms, just like the night before, and the night after, and the night after that.

-

Eight weeks later, Louis is two months clean. Harry celebrates by making pancakes for all of the boys on the tour bus, even though they all slept in hotels that night. The boys don't really know what they are celebrating, but they don't turn down a homemade meal (it taste the same, but Niall says that Harry's meals are better because they are "made with love." Louis can't help but agree). Louis is grateful that Harry cares about him enough to do something like this for him, especially since things between Louis and Harry are a little tense lately.

Harry has been pulling away from Louis, they still fall asleep together, Louis isn't sure he can sleep without him anymore, but Harry is always awake and ready before Louis is. Harry has stopped hanging out with Louis outside of the hotel room and bus.

Louis knows that it would be healthy to talk to Harry about this. But Louis has never necessarily been healthy, so he waits until Harry comes to him.

Which ends up being weeks later. When Louis has begun to feel like Harry is giving upon him.

They were laying together in bed, they only had a few more shows until the end of the tour. Then it is a few weeks of a break then back to writing and recording. The past few weeks (almost a month? A month and a half?) they haven't really talked to each other much. Especially during intimate times like this, when it's dark and they are close.

So when Harry speaks up Louis is more than a little surprised.

"I have to tell you something." He says quietly, he sounds scared. His voice is shaken and tight. He squeezes Louis like he's scared that Louis will push him away.

"You can tell me anything," Louis says, he grabs Harry's hand.

Harry doesn't say anything for a couple of minutes, Louis almost thinks that Harry fell asleep. Just when Louis is about to turn to Harry and ask if he's awake Harry says, "I think that I'm in love with you. Like properly."

Louis should probably be more surprised at this confession. But he and Harry have always been close and Louis knows that they've only gotten closer since Louis has shared with Harry his issues with the self-harming.

"I think I've loved you for a while," Harry explains Louis can tell that Harry is intentionally trying to slow his voice. He does that when he feels like he needs to think about his words carefully. "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to think that I only started loving you after I found out about your self-harm. I didn't want you to think that I was trying to fix you by loving you. So I've been trying to, I don't know, distance myself from you in any way that I could so you didn't think that I wanted to romanticize your self-harm."

Louis nods against Harry's shoulder and says, "I wouldn't have thought you were trying to romanticize anything."

"Maybe I wanted to make sure I wasn't, like, unintentionally doing that?" Harry says, but it comes out as a question. "I don't know. But I love you, so..."

"Do you think it's unrequited?" Louis asks. He realizes he should probably outright tell Harry that he might love him too, given a little more time.

"I hope that it isn't," Harry replies, his throat tight.

"Would you date me?" Louis asks.

"Are you asking me out on a date or are you asking something else?" Harry replies, confused.

"I don't know." Louis laughs a little, "I think that I would like to date you. I think that's what I'm trying to say."

Harry smiles and says, "yes I would date you, obviously. At some point, I would want you to be my boyfriend. And years from now I want to be married to you."

Louis doesn't say anything for a minute. Harry almost thinks he has scared him away.

"You like me so much that you think you want to marry me?" Louis asks, his voice is shaky, so close to cracking and showing how much Harry affects him.

Harry nods and grabs Louis hand, turning around onto his side to face him. In the dark, they can't see anything but each other's outlines. Louis is thankful because then Harry would see the tears collecting in his eyes and the blush taking over his cheeks.

"I know you think you are undeserving of love," Harry says, his voice is serious but full of affection that even Louis, one of the most oblivious people probably ever, notices. "but you aren't. You deserve so much, the world even, and I want you to be happy. Even if it isn't with me. I love all your flaws, all your scars, even if I don't like the mindset that created them. I love that you are strong enough to overcome your own personal challenges, and I love you you ask for help even when you really, really don't want it."

Louis nods against Harry's shoulder. He takes a deep breath and says, "I believe you. I do deserve to be happy. I just-" Louis pauses and attempts to collect his thoughts, "if we do date, if you do become my boyfriend if you do marry me, I know that there will be points and times where I take you for granted. Where I feel so undeserving that I push you away. I don't want to abuse you like that. If I deserve the world, then you deserve the universe, and I'm not sure I can give that to you."

"You can give that to me," Harry says like he's trying to convince Louis, "you already have. The way I feel when I'm around you will be worth any hardships we face."

Louis thinks a bit, he tries to let the conversation settle and he begins to consider what it would be like dating Harry. Always being in the comfort of his arms like he is now, Harry spoiling him rotten, like he always tries to do but Louis won't let him. Kisses, God Louis never even thought about kissing Harry before, but now it won't leave his mind. Constant support, constant companionship, constant love. Louis knows that Harry and he are great friends, but they could be even better lovers.

"Take me out on a date." Louis says, "you don't even have to properly woo me. I'll be your boy anyways."

end.


End file.
